faith....is all one need.....!

I always wonder why our mind and brain do conflict? I wonder why can’t I let things go rather than adamantly clinging on to them…its crazy that one is not happy with what he has…every time if you think ‘why don’t I have that?’…once you get that…u will never be satisfied with that and still be unhappy rather than being the ‘most happiest person’ on this earth…That reminds me…recently I got a laptop…that day something else happened that made me unhappy all throughout the day…which in turn made me sober while I got my new laptop…since I am not much of a materialistic person…I convinced myself that ‘maybe I am not much possessive of any materialistic things’...like the other day I lost a ring...i could let it go…I don’t care if I don’t have a mobile…nor much money…but it’s hard to let someone go!...this reminds me why is it this hard to let someone go?…when i see someone for the last time and will never see that person for ever…I open my eyes wide open to have a last glance at that person so that an imprint of that person is created for ever in my mind…but this imprint will not last forever…I am aware…still I let that person go…not saying a word…and this does haunt for a while…but I guess this is part of life…people come and go…and the lesson that I am struggling to learn (which I still hasn’t learn) is that ‘it takes a lot of courage to let someone or something go’…going on with my life with some ‘complications and contradictions’, I at times give up faith in life which makes me feel like to fall flat on my face…one day in such thoughs, I was walking on the road…thinking about the miserable life I was living…loosing hope I looked to the sky and said to myself ‘oh god…only you could help me’ suddenly I heard a bell ring…a temple bell…. then I thought to myself that something good could happen…and that I just need to hold on with some ‘faith’ in my help…I guess that was a lesson to learn after all one could only learn from his/her own life experiences…

The lipstick stamp…

It was the first day of my training…my architect was known to be a very rude person as in a very extra ordinarily ‘hyperactive person’! It was my first job and I am really tensed…but to have a good impression, I came tip-top; well dressed…even wearing a lipstick…my favorite brand, Revlon plum sparkle…

My boss called me through phone and asked to take an A3 print for a meeting and bring it to his cabin…the meeting already started and I still haven’t taken my print. Finally I got it…in a hurry I got up and because of the breeze, the A3 flew on my face and the imprint of my lips in a glossy sparkle plum color got stamped on the sheet. I got freaked out!! The next very second my phone near my desk rang...it was my boss literally yelling at me for the drawing…I had no option now, no time for a next print...I took my shawl and started wiping the imprint and it ended my a sparkle pink smudge with a sweet scent…without thinking twice, I put it in a cover and gave it to him…

After the meeting, he came back and kept the cover near my desk…he dint utter a word to me. When I opened the envelope I could even still smell the lipstick scent!!!My first day @ working…thought I screwed it…!

After that I had worked at many places including the ones after graduation…had to face many embarrassing situations but couldn’t ever forget this tiny incident which I still could laugh my heart out…!!!

life is all about choices...

Once someone asked me why do u always run away from every situation in your life? I had no answers for that…later I started thinking why does it happen?…I always run away from my family because of fear for commitments…from friends coz of fear whether they would hurt me…from love coz of fear of heart breaks…from myself when there is a conflict within myself…but one thing is sure that one day tired of running I will fall flat on my face and when I look back for help, there would be no one behind to support…maybe this is the time to ‘turn back and look’ behind and see if I could see anyone behind and choose not to run anymore. I should try to hold what is there together tightly before everything just slips away from me… But I choose not to…because of ‘fear’…what if nobody is there? I don’t want to know…so I want to run again to a deep pit ahead…maybe that’s how life works…

Having a choice, you have no choice to make!

The day I decided to quit…

My life changed forever the day I decided to quit…from life…from everything I am bounded…from god for abandoning me…that day emptiness creeped within me. Something I know that I have to live with forever. How I don’t know…but I have to. I could say that my life took a different path. An emptiness which felt like I don’t belong anywhere or to anyone, like a lost soul… doesn’t know whether this is for good or for bad…

Feeling ‘lost’ with dizzy and gazy eyes while I am wandering around I come across so many ‘gestures’ which would wake me up from my ‘trans’ most often. Some I would like to come closer to and some to stay away from... Some reassures me that life could be better and some makes me more miserable. Some might wonder what is with me and some I might wonder what is with them...And in a few ‘you see the same what you’re going through’ but still I am in no mood to understand that…’or am I’?

One such gestures is the star ‘Venus’ which gave me company during the lonely days in the campus… it is commonly said as the planet of love but ironically whenever I see that, I feel that there is hope in life and that it’s not going to be the stagnant as it is now and another was the stallion which I encountered during my visit to Auroville which I could never forget.

During my first visit to Auroville…it was evening…I was driving my mopid (bike) home…there was something in my mind that was very disturbing to me…on the way near ‘pony farm’, the horses and stallions were coming out of their usual evening walk…seeing them I stopped in the middle of the road…suddenly I saw a ‘beautiful’ black stallion among the group…I was so amazed that I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. To my surprise he came near me and brushed his face on my shoulder demanding my care. As I did it he looked at me for a few seconds and walked away…I felt a sudden reassurance and containment to my surprise…on my second visit to Auroville, I went to the pony farm to see that stallion once more…he saw me and came near me and looked at me as if he recognized me…I ran my fingers on his body…I don’t know its crazy but I felt connected to that horse somewhere…to my surprise the caretaker asked me not to go near him as he is the most ferocious of all the horses there in the farm…

I thought to myself on my way back that a horse could understand me but no man could…what an irony!