The day I decided to quit…

My life changed forever the day I decided to quit…from life…from everything I am bounded…from god for abandoning me…that day emptiness creeped within me. Something I know that I have to live with forever. How I don’t know…but I have to. I could say that my life took a different path. An emptiness which felt like I don’t belong anywhere or to anyone, like a lost soul… doesn’t know whether this is for good or for bad…

Feeling ‘lost’ with dizzy and gazy eyes while I am wandering around I come across so many ‘gestures’ which would wake me up from my ‘trans’ most often. Some I would like to come closer to and some to stay away from... Some reassures me that life could be better and some makes me more miserable. Some might wonder what is with me and some I might wonder what is with them...And in a few ‘you see the same what you’re going through’ but still I am in no mood to understand that…’or am I’?

One such gestures is the star ‘Venus’ which gave me company during the lonely days in the campus… it is commonly said as the planet of love but ironically whenever I see that, I feel that there is hope in life and that it’s not going to be the stagnant as it is now and another was the stallion which I encountered during my visit to Auroville which I could never forget.

During my first visit to Auroville…it was evening…I was driving my mopid (bike) home…there was something in my mind that was very disturbing to me…on the way near ‘pony farm’, the horses and stallions were coming out of their usual evening walk…seeing them I stopped in the middle of the road…suddenly I saw a ‘beautiful’ black stallion among the group…I was so amazed that I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. To my surprise he came near me and brushed his face on my shoulder demanding my care. As I did it he looked at me for a few seconds and walked away…I felt a sudden reassurance and containment to my surprise…on my second visit to Auroville, I went to the pony farm to see that stallion once more…he saw me and came near me and looked at me as if he recognized me…I ran my fingers on his body…I don’t know its crazy but I felt connected to that horse somewhere…to my surprise the caretaker asked me not to go near him as he is the most ferocious of all the horses there in the farm…

I thought to myself on my way back that a horse could understand me but no man could…what an irony!